I Want to be Better

I look around sometimes and think, "I want to be better." Usually following that thought is the mental image or name of someone who fits into that particular situation & fills the role of "better." While that happens in a variety of moments...it's happening quite frequently when I think of friendship. Having friends is an irreplaceable achievement. It really says something. It's not something you can buy...or demand...it's a gift that truly comes from a person's heart. Friendship can't be faked. At least not for long. The love of a friend comes out in the way they walk across the room & give you a hug just because. It shows up in late night conversations when sleep is logical but the sweet feeling of being with a friend outweighs logic. It comes through in the way they love not just you, but your kids. Any Mom (or soon to be Mom) knows that a person's child is part of their core; their very soul. When a friend or family's love for that child is unquestionable...it changes who they are to you & how that piece of your soul attaches to them. I have it in me to be a really good friend but when I look around now, the thought, "I wanna be better" pops up. I know I used to be better because I had friends. I had really good ones. Ones who have walked through fire, who've stretched themselves to the point of exhaustion to be there for me. That tells me, at one time, I was really good to them. But it's hard to invest in someone when there's very little return. Over the past few years, I feel I've slowly dropped the ball on a lot of friendships; a bit of knowledge which on a quiet rainy beach day like today, invades my thoughts & breaks my heart just a little. I've been soul searching & I'm realizing I've become quite insecure over the past couple of years. Big changes are hard for me...& in the past 2 1/2 years my whole life has changed. With those changes...getting married...becoming pregnant...brought out quite a few weak spots that I had done a great job of burying or falsely supporting with other stronger character traits. While battling with these insecurities & working to build the two most important relationships I'll ever have (with my husband & this bump), I think I've hid behind my anxieties & dropped the ball in other overwhelmingly precious relationship areas. While a bit of soul searching revealed the insecurity issue, it's not as easily fixed. Unfortunately supporting my insecurities is an overwhelming bit of anxiety at the thought of fixing it & figuring out how to mesh the world I live in now with the world in which all of my super close friendships existed. That is where my dilemma lies. The reason I can not close the book & live half-heartedly in this insecure life is now only 24 weeks from arriving. When he/she comes I want there to be an entourage to welcome him into the world. I want her to feel love & security from the moment it first lays eyes on the village which will support him. I have had moments in which I've felt so incredibly fragile & nearly every time it was a friend who was there to help piece me back together. I want my child to have a great cloud of support in which every fragile moment is strengthened from someone who chooses to be in their life. To be a friend takes effort. It takes a "just because" text...even when it's not reciprocated. It takes stepping out even when the insecurities leave you feeling fragile. It takes stretching just a little further, because someone you love needs that little bit. It means calling or sending a card to say, "Hi. Sorry I have sucked lately. I hope you can forgive me & help me remember how to be the awesome person you used to love."

Run With It

We've had such a busy week. I don't know what we've done exactly...clean out the garage, wade through the spare bedroom's unpacked boxes, hang out with friends. All I know is, today's Thursday and I have yet to have spent one day fully at home. But...when it's filled with things and people I love, how can I really complain?? We are officially 25 weeks away from the Bump's arrival. I'm actually hoping it comes a "healthy early"...but if it is as stubborn as either of its parents, he/she will come whenever it darn well pleases. I've already began to try to figure out the mysteries of being away from my 25 Third graders for 40+ days while I welcome our little bug into the the world. Apparently it's a good thing I've started now. Day by day teaching/damage control instructions take a little time to create.

Our doctor's appointment Monday proved to be informative. Her heart rate was 156bpm and he's definitely growing. The doctor says any day I'll feel our baby move. Of course now, at any given moment you can find me sitting perfectly still with my hand on my belly just waiting. Mikey's pretty excited too. More than once he's slid his hand over the Bump to see if he might feel something. Needless to say, as excited as we are for even a movement...our gender ultrasound & our due date can't get here fast enough.

I met with a few friends/former co-workers Tuesday for brunch. Being able to eat the better part of a cinnamon roll that was the size of my head WITHOUT guilt...makes me want to give the Bump a high five! I'm still kicking myself for not taking a picture of it in all it's glory. It was d-e-lish! The only thing that competed with the cinnamon roll's attention was the company. Oh how I miss those girls! The catching up, the (harmless) gossip & just overall time spent together was refreshing. Makes me wish we could do it more often.



A Bump gift from Auntie Laura, our favorite librarian!

While the weight gain part of pregnancy hasn't really hit me, I find myself craving a nap around 3:30 every afternoon. Now this isn't an, "Aww I'm kind of sleepy. <yawn, yawn>" This is an all out, hurry home, my battery is slowly dying & my eyes are on auto shut down, attack. I'm fortunate right now to be able to drop everything and snooze on the couch for about 45 minutes. I'm not real sure how that will work in another month when we're back in school. Maybe the bus duty kids won't notice? :)

A shout out to two of my favorite people: Leah & Cassidy. They celebrated their birthdays on Wednesday & were gracious enough to allow me to host a celebration in their honor. It was such a sweet feeling having a little dinner birthday party in our kitchen. What was even sweeter were the conversations that followed and surrounded dinner. I find myself drawn to people with kids right now. Especially with young kids. One friend has such an incredible "How I Became a Mommy" story I just needed her to share it with me before she left. Listening to baby experiences makes me feel stronger. Better equipped. More prepared. Especially when I've asked (just FYI it's kinda annoying to push advice on people when they don't ask...trust me, if they want to know, they'll ask).

In addition to the after party conversation, I've had two lunch dates that have turned in to "brain picking moments". My inquiries seem to be of people with extraordinary circumstances, who I've come to admire, or who just live their life in such a way that you want to know their secret. And let me tell you, share their secrets they will. I sure hope I get better at this preggo thing over the next 25 weeks so maybe I can become someone with a "Cup Overflowing" kind of joy. I'm getting there. My eyes are definitely wider than they were 15 weeks ago.

Ok...the hubs just walked in and it's our 9 month wedding anniversary so we're off to celebrate!! My oh my how things can change in such a short amount of time. From dating, to engaged, to married to expectant parents. Why walk when you can RUN I guess?!

Ocho Rios, Jamaica October 19, 2011

Get Your Craft On...

I have nursery fever. With the gender ultrasound less than a month away I am chomping at the bit to get started. I think I'm just anxious to dive into something that won't make me throw up or cause me to look like a junkie from the IVs of liquid. I'm ready to wear a mask and paint. It'll be an act of God if I don't drag the hubs in there this weekend to help me tape the lines for the stripes (yes, I'm jumping on the bandwagon and painting one wall with stripes...just be thankful I'm avoiding pink or blue.) I'm TRYING to wait for my good friend Annie to get her booty over here and help me accidentally spill green paint on the carpet (the nursery carpet doesn't match and I'm secretly praying we'll somehow afford new before the little Bump arrives) as we give the room a crafty face lift...but she's busy and I'm impatient so we'll see.

The Craft Show is in Town!! The Craft Show is in Town!!

I swear Arts and Craft shows are like carnivals for grown chicks. My sister and I went to An Affair of the Heart this weekend. While the gajillions of people were a bit overwhelming and walking in flat, no sole shoes on a concrete floor was a hip killer, we did come away with lots of fun ideas and a few treasures. 

I am super excited I've already put in a request with my Mother to attend another show later this Fall (Lord help our credit card once I actually know what this kid IS!). I've gotta be the lamest 30 year old on Earth. It took all I had not to buy headbands "just in case". Luckily my sister maintained a level head reminding me I could buy it ALLLLLL later. 

I've been working on decoupaging the alphabet for the wall. I don't know which is more fun...picking out the paper, gluing numerous bits and pieces to myself (and to other pieces of paper, my leg and the carpet), or imagining what it will look like once it's all put together. I do that quite often lately. Imagine. I think that's what got me started with the Bump Blankie. My grandma makes quilts for each and every baby born in our family. Those blankets are like a bit of Grandma sunshine sitting in my living room...I want my little bug to have that too...only Mama style. Hence: the bump blankie.

A glimpse of the bump blankie

 

Alright...my tummy has had me up since 5am. We. Are. Starving. and this is waiting for me...

Happy Sunday!

Reminders

Little reminders help me to be appreciative. My Sister is crazy-busy, like works 10-12 hour days 5 days a week, travels at least an hour to her job and is going through more personal things than I could even begin to describe...but Saturday when the cramping and back pain wouldn't stop, it was she who sat in the ER with me for four hours throughout blood work, peeing in a cup, and IV's. Hers were the eyes I looked into while they searched, for what felt like an eternity, for the baby's heartbeat. She made me laugh, cracked jokes, called the nurse when my fingers turned blue from cold and kept the info line open from our tiny room at the hospital. It was my little sister who sighed in unison with me when the heartbeat was found and the nurse counted out the heart rate (168 strong beats her minute). Ours may not be the most typical sister relationship, but her whole life I would've done anything to protect her and over the past few months I've come to believe she would do the same for me. I can only imagine the kind of Aunt she'll be for the Bump. I'm sure she'll teach it all kinds of obnoxious things and get him/her in trouble more than once and because of that, I'm sure he'll love her an immeasurable amount.

On a side note: dehydration's a bitch (sorry if that's offensive). Our 4th of July float trip left my body begging for more fluid than I was prepared to replenish. Before Saturday I was unaware that being dehydrated can cause "contraction-like" symptoms to start (i.e. back pain and lower stomach cramping)...now I know...and now our refrigerator is fully stocked with every flavor of PowerAde Zero we can find. (For all of you who are learning something: while water's fantastic, it will NOT be enough to keep you hydrated. You need electrolytes, baby. So if you're preggo in the Summertime, STOCK UP.)

I ran into a friend Sunday whom I hadn't seen in a while. In all the time I've known her she has never been anything but incredibly sweet and encouraging. Because of her I feel like the best runner, best teacher and even a great friend (though it seems our conversations include me rambling/ranting and her either 1) laughing hysterically or 2) agreeing unconditionally). Good, bad or ugly I can sincerely say, the fact that I had her daughter in my very first 3rd grade class was one of the biggest blessings that's ever happened to me. Her family felt like mine for a while when I was lonely, her daughter brightened my day as I waded through the muck of teaching and because of her and her husband I had the life-changing chance to go to Guatemala on a week long mission trip. The sights and sounds of that trip are still very real in my mind and to this day I read my journal and remember the faces of the people we met. After seeing my friend on Sunday, I received a single text message that once again made me stand a little taller and walk a little more sure-footed. It went something like this:

"...Since we returned from Guatemala I have been praying over this picture. Our talks...were so priceless to me and I have wanted you to become a Mommy so badly. My dear sweet friend I love you and I'm still praying for you and your little family."

Our trip was in 2008...she's been praying for me ever since. Being a Mom is one of the most precious things she has, and she's prayed for four years that I too become one. She believes in me. I am reminded once again to be appreciative of who has been placed in my life and all I've been blessed with.

Not to keep jumping around but while Saturday was incredibly scary in moments...there was a solid hour where I was nothing but ecstatic to watch an insanely perfect little boy celebrate becoming ONE!!

 

His Mama is SO lucky.

Warning: Total Baby Post

So I've seen a bit of grumbling on Facebook lately. Most of the grumbling is in the form of whining about having to see ultrasound photos, hear about engagements, or requests to view wedding videos. While it kinda stings a little (because I have been guilty of posting such items in the last couple of years), I also chuckle a bit because I remember what feeling left out feels like. It's HARD when it seems everyone around you has had their "ship come in." Oh there's instant relief when you cover up the hurt with griping and bitterness, but if those people are anything like I was...the majority of the hurt/anger comes from what's missing.

Disclaimer: I know there are people who sincerely have no interest in having kids; who loathe being around them. Therefore I can only imagine what it's like to have their friends cross over to the dark side and begin posting alien-like ultrasound pictures of their unborn child...I would guess it would be frustrating too. Especially when we're all getting to the age where marriage and babies are being announced in groves. For those people, I sincerely apologize. While I'm not guilty of posting ultrasound pictures (nah, I sent personal text messages of the photo!), I am guilty of making the big announcement on facebook, talking about how far along I am, posting links to my blog and having family members secretly snap photos of the baby bump at cookouts and other events. I can't help it. I'm obsessed and completely overwhelmed with the responsibility that's been given to me and Mike. I want to say, "They'll understand someday," but that seems kind of patronizing...so I'll just apologize...shrug my shoulders, say, "It is what it is. I'm a baby growing fool" and promise not to get angry when they defriend me. They'll be back. We all deserve to feel how we're feeling.

I've always been a bit of a paranoid freak. Since becoming pregnant...I'm the poster child for the issue. I know that miscarriage happens. I've "seen" it first hand within my own family over the years (my aunt miscarried with twins when I was still very young and my cousin lost a baby within the past year). But before I became pregnant, one of my life-long friends went through something I still have a hard time thinking about. While the story is hers to tell (or not tell), I will say she lost her baby late enough that I was already thinking about and planning a baby shower for her. The hurt I have felt her go through from afar, is gut wrenching for me...and unthinkable for those who are in her immediate realm. When I found out I was pregnant she was one of the first people I thought of. I had no idea how I would ever tell her. It finally came down to our small town social network (my Mama telling hers at church on Sunday) to break the ice. I didn't want her to just find out but I couldn't tell her. The morning she called to congratulate me both broke my heart and made it stronger at the same time. I don't know if I will ever adequately be able to tell her what it meant when she uttered "I wanted to call to congratulate you." I will probably never have the vocabulary to describe how the tear-soaked words made indentions on my heart that morning...but with this particular friend, I don't know that a description or explanation is necessary. Some bonds are like that. Our day to day relationship comes and goes, but our friendship is still there. Even when it hurts. Even from afar. Even when I haven't seen her in 5 months.

Until this year, I thought the 12 week mark was homefree. It was the day to announce the Bump to the world and know there was only a 1% chance that the unthinkable could happen. Well, another friend, one who was due only 2 weeks before me, lost her baby recently. While moments like that cause a normal person to hurt; moments like that cause a pregnant girl to hold her Bump and pray. The chances are so low and yet, it's struck close to home twice this year. Loving these girls like I do, it almost feels selfish, but I can't help but think 20x a day, "Please God let me meet this baby."

Every day the changes in my body help me remember, He's Growing. Every night when I wake up with my back cramping, get out of bed to pee three times, or steer clear of mexican food because my stomach just can't handle the spice, I am reminded, He's growing. Changes are happening, hormones are at work...and all the moments gagging in the bathroom are worth it because they reassure me, He's growing.

A friend once told me the baby changes everything about you over the course of nine months from what you eat to how you sleep...in preparation for once it's here. While losing sleep and avoiding my favorite foods once sounded like a huge pain in the a$s, I can officially say I get it. I think expectant Moms almost welcome the craziness because it's reassurance that the baby is on the way.

And the baby IS on the way. One month from today (August 6) I can officially stop calling it "The Bump" and stop switching pronouns (him, her, he, she) as I'm writing...The gender ultrasound has been scheduled!!

Oh and I'm sure all the Mom's out there remember this day: I had to do the rubberband through the button-hole thing tonight on my jean skirt! Pretty nifty trick...although I have a feeling, I'll mostly be sticking to dresses. Bump doesn't like to be squished!

Now...off to dinner and baby info book shopping with my husband. I think he's finally ready to find out what he's in for...

Ahhh...What a Weekend!

This weekend was just the right amount of busy. Quiet Saturday spent having lunch and getting a pedicure with my sister and doing a little shopping...followed by a huge 4th of July cookout on Sunday.



Party favors!

  Hamburgers, Beer and Bubbles
 

And we were worried we wouldn't have enough food





 

Hosting our friends is a trip. Mike's clan is still mainly the single/dating bachelor type, while mine are more likely to be baby toting. Well...when you smash those two groups together it's usually either super interesting or super awkward. While nothing extraordinarily interesting happened (unless you count a flaming sparkler getting put into a pile of dog poo...which could technically be interesting OR awkward) the lines were obviously drawn. Mike's friends held down one side of our deck while my three friends and their families broke in the other. Oh there were a few "go betweens" like my dear little sister, Kristy and friend Sharry...but as a whole you knew which side you were on. It was actually kind of comical. As of now, Mikey can still easily pass between the two sides but it will be fun to see how such situations play out once our little bug makes his/her debut.

I have to say, as different as our friends are...they do really well. These people are important to us; I'm super glad we are able to have them all over for a summertime celebration.

Backyard Bean Bags



The boys decided to get a game of bean bags going. At first they just had one little helper.

Soon the kids (with help from my good friend Kayte) realized just how much fun it was and decided it was a game they too needed to play. Maybe...if we give it 3 or 4 years, the boys will teach the kiddos how to play. Daddy/Kid bean bag tournaments would be fun to watch.

Ice Cream with Sprinkles!!

These two LOVED sprinkles!!! They even wanted them on their tongues!!!

Awww all cookouts are better with ice cream and sprinkles!!! I'm not sure which was the biggest hit; the sprinkler or the sprinkles on the ice cream. Between the two, the kiddos enjoyed some wet, sticky summertime fun in the backyard!

Chandler and MaKenna were sporting their 4th of July hats!!

 

Jack loved his ice cream with sprinkles too!

SPARKLERS!!
Ok, so our intentions were good when we picked up Morning Glorys for a fun "End of Cookout" event. But husbands + kids younger than 5 + fireworks = somebody usually crying.

Before the burned swim trunks and red ankle (sorry Kayte), were a whole lot of excited kiddos and fun! Sparklers (not the mean metal kind, but the paper covered Morning Glorys) were always my favorite growing up. They didn't screech or explode, but they did create a moment when everyone could get involved, writing their name in the colorful sparks and smoke. It was incredible to see that even after 20 years, kids are still kids and waving around a spark shooting wand is still insanely fun.

Jack waiting for his sparkler to get lit

Looking Back

After the smoke and ice cream cleared came the great clean up. It was the first time my feet have swelled a little from being on them all day. But swollen toes were just a little reminder of the glimpse I received Sunday evening on my back porch. Watching Mike's friends with their girlfriends reminded me of what it was like being single, dating Mike, going out and doing my own thing. But even during that time, I looked forward to the day when I would sit on the other side of the porch. The day where I would visit with my friends, watch my husband chase our kids, wipe the ice cream off their bellies, and threaten my friend's life if she gave them one more shot of sprinkles or dose of kool-aid so close to bed time.

Well...as the Bump and swollen toes remind me, that day is drawing near. Preparing party hats, bubbles and patriotic twizzlers for the cookout made me daydream about holiday and birthday parties I would soon be throwing. While Mikey sometimes seems a little overwhelmed (especially when all his friends abandoned him and he was forced to cross over to the baby toting side for a few hours Sunday) I am nothing but excited. We will get an entire year of holidays as a family next year. An entire year of "firsts" with our little bug. Our "This time next year..." statements are getting more and more abundant as we try to imagine what it will be like to have a little guy laying/crawling/running around our living room. Whatever that picture paints, I know lots of FUN will be in the drawing. I've been told over and over how hard it will be. While I 100% believe the words of wisdom I've been given, I also believe that any "hard" situation can be made better with a little creativity and flexibility. I'm in no way naive enough to believe I won't call my Mama or my best friend crying when I'm completely exhausted and the kid...just. won't. sleep. But that also doesn't mean, the world in which I deal with the crazy moments isn't 1,000x worth it in exchange for the hugs, laughter, parties, bathtimes, bedtime rituals and quiet moments that will also exist.

I just can't help but daydream, hope, pray...and be overwhelmed with excitement.