I Want to be Better

I look around sometimes and think, "I want to be better." Usually following that thought is the mental image or name of someone who fits into that particular situation & fills the role of "better." While that happens in a variety of moments...it's happening quite frequently when I think of friendship. Having friends is an irreplaceable achievement. It really says something. It's not something you can buy...or demand...it's a gift that truly comes from a person's heart. Friendship can't be faked. At least not for long. The love of a friend comes out in the way they walk across the room & give you a hug just because. It shows up in late night conversations when sleep is logical but the sweet feeling of being with a friend outweighs logic. It comes through in the way they love not just you, but your kids. Any Mom (or soon to be Mom) knows that a person's child is part of their core; their very soul. When a friend or family's love for that child is unquestionable...it changes who they are to you & how that piece of your soul attaches to them. I have it in me to be a really good friend but when I look around now, the thought, "I wanna be better" pops up. I know I used to be better because I had friends. I had really good ones. Ones who have walked through fire, who've stretched themselves to the point of exhaustion to be there for me. That tells me, at one time, I was really good to them. But it's hard to invest in someone when there's very little return. Over the past few years, I feel I've slowly dropped the ball on a lot of friendships; a bit of knowledge which on a quiet rainy beach day like today, invades my thoughts & breaks my heart just a little. I've been soul searching & I'm realizing I've become quite insecure over the past couple of years. Big changes are hard for me...& in the past 2 1/2 years my whole life has changed. With those changes...getting married...becoming pregnant...brought out quite a few weak spots that I had done a great job of burying or falsely supporting with other stronger character traits. While battling with these insecurities & working to build the two most important relationships I'll ever have (with my husband & this bump), I think I've hid behind my anxieties & dropped the ball in other overwhelmingly precious relationship areas. While a bit of soul searching revealed the insecurity issue, it's not as easily fixed. Unfortunately supporting my insecurities is an overwhelming bit of anxiety at the thought of fixing it & figuring out how to mesh the world I live in now with the world in which all of my super close friendships existed. That is where my dilemma lies. The reason I can not close the book & live half-heartedly in this insecure life is now only 24 weeks from arriving. When he/she comes I want there to be an entourage to welcome him into the world. I want her to feel love & security from the moment it first lays eyes on the village which will support him. I have had moments in which I've felt so incredibly fragile & nearly every time it was a friend who was there to help piece me back together. I want my child to have a great cloud of support in which every fragile moment is strengthened from someone who chooses to be in their life. To be a friend takes effort. It takes a "just because" text...even when it's not reciprocated. It takes stepping out even when the insecurities leave you feeling fragile. It takes stretching just a little further, because someone you love needs that little bit. It means calling or sending a card to say, "Hi. Sorry I have sucked lately. I hope you can forgive me & help me remember how to be the awesome person you used to love."