Sprinkles of joy

My friend spoke last weekend about something called Morning Joy. Knowing our sweet boy's birthdate was coming up, I've been rolling that phrase around in my head trying to figure out how it fits for me, in my life, right now. 

Today, one year after Hayes Andrew was born, I think I started getting little sprinkles of it. 

This morning, in the glow of the Christmas tree, I sat rocking my sweet girl thinking about how different life was on this morning a year ago. The beautiful silver angel engraved with our son's name caught my eye and as much as it hurts to remember, I couldn't help but feel a little joy as I squeezed my girl tighter and counted my lucky stars to be the arms she runs to every day. 

I stayed busy all day today on purpose. I told Parker how much I love her a few times more than normal. I picked up my sweet babies' daddy early from work so we could go visit our son's grave and hang the cedar wreath his Mimi made for him. He needed his sister's Christmas card added to the Valentine heart and Easter egg we had left for him in previous visits. We needed to eat birthday cake...because...why would a person NOT use any excuse to make birthday cake and share it with their family? :-) 

Truth? Today has been hard. I woke up at 2:00 this morning and knew immediately what the day would hold. And I'm not going to lie, today has been tough. I think a few of those near and dear knew too because of the "just because" texts that beeped in before 9am this morning and the card left on the counter remembering our hurt. 

I realized on my way home tonight that among all of those moments I found a few more sprinkles of joy. I'm thankful for family and friends' that are family who go out of their way to remember a day that changed the very way I think of being a Mommy. I'm thankful...that I can see through the nightime sorrow and find some joy in the fact that while we had to lose him, he was born, we had the opportunity to hold him, name him and we have a place to go back to remember him. I'm thankful we can eat birthday cake in his honor every year. 

I'm thankful that while we didn't get to keep him, God still chose me to be his and Parker's mama. 

Morning joy. I'm working on it. I'm closer than I used to be. 

4 "Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,and give thanks to his holy name.
5 For his anger is but for a moment,
    and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning."

Psalm 30:5-6