Or maybe a new relationship. You aren't really sure what it is yet, it may be SOMETHING...or it may not work out...but either way you keep it close to home and sure as hell don't drag him/her to Sunday supper to meet your embarrassing storytelling aunt or dirty joke sharing uncle. Not until you're sure. Sure it'll last. It'll stick. It's the real deal. Not something you're going to shout from the rooftops and then have to take back a week later.
I know some people are an open book. They have the confidence to share -what seems like- everything. Confidence. Sharing your life, letting people in, takes confidence. That kind of confidence is one of my weakest areas. Especially if I've been hurt by sharing too much, too soon before.
All of this is to say, when we found out we are pregnant again after losing our precious boy, after gut wrenching sorrow, after another, almost year of trying, we didn't shout it from the rooftops. Actually when I first found out, I sat down in my closet floor, hugged my legs close and prayed to God above to be present. To help. To protect this baby and my heart in a way only He could. Right or wrong, we didn't tell anyone. We went to the doctor before we told our Moms. We had full ultrasounds before we told grandmas. We were over 12 weeks before we shared the news with Parker. We just couldn't "take it back" again. We couldn't share our greatest joy while we were holding it with the most fragile of hands, fully prepared to be shattered at any moment.
Of course baby #3, by 14 weeks was more than showing, so the people in our every day lives had to know. Still, there was no proclamation. It was whispered. If we said it too loud it might disappear.
As the weeks have gone on, we've become a little more comfortable. Every two weeks our doctor confirms the heartbeat. Every two weeks I hold my breath until we hear the hoof beats. At 18ish weeks kicking/physical movement finally started. We had gender ultrasounds and still everything's ok. It's better than ok, it's been less of a roller coaster than Parker was.
This weekend I went home and ran a race with my daughter and numerous friends and family members. This weekend, I decided it was time to stop keeping the miracle in my stomach a secret and not delete a comment about my belly or a picture that's of more than my head from facebook. I just decided (along with Mike) that it's time. It's time to take a deep breath and stand in the hope and the uncertainty that IS growing another human being. To not shy away from seeing someone on the street because they might see my belly.
We are pregnant. Seven months, 28 weeks pregnant. Good Lord willing we will know the joy of having a baby boy on the ground in July. Parker could not be more excited. We could not be more fearfully hopeful.
Pray for us. Remember us. And bless your heart, if your toes are currently feeling stepped on because we haven't shared the news with you sooner, try to put yourself in our shoes and understand that us protecting the presence of this baby boy was about self preservation and love...and fear. Not about anyone else.
He's coming though. In T-minus 12 weeks, we'll have a baby brother to love. Some days are easier to believe it than others, but the kicks and tumbles along with the belly kisses from my sweet girl help reaffirm the joy and hope that God has put back in our lives.
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