Oh yeah...

On the way to the room of monitors yesterday we passed the nursery. There was the sweetest, dark haired sans blanket baby in the window. Just wiggling ever so happily in his/her diaper. My mama says he was big...but he looked ever so small to me.

Made my arms so very ready to hold this sweet hiccuping bump...

Heal body heal...

...and then Full Moon bring us our baby.

Planning to not Plan

Two days post Christmas finds me bundled up under a quilt my sister got Mikey, taking meds, slurping watered down juice admiring the mess in our home left by Christmas. I just thought being pregnant was tough. Then, last Thursday this girl got slapped in the face with what seemed to be high blood pressure. I left school in the middle of the day to begin my holiday break which will back up into maternity leave a bit early. No 3rd grade Winter Party.No Polar Express Day. Nope...just some good ol' fashioned blood pressure machines, baby monitors and 1,000mg shots of Tylenol. And then...just when I thought it was bad, I realized I had two fever blisters.

Not a big deal, you say? Well to someone who has really never had one and was 37 going on 38 weeks pregnant it's brutal. It quickly went from two small white bumps on my lips, to a massively swollen throat, to huge bleeding gums and a fever. And then it got ugly. Sister spent Christmas Eve in the chair trying to sleep at least an hour or two so I wouldn't be the Grinch incarnate (at least not in attitude even if in appearance). We bought out Wal-Mart's over the counter remedies only to have my lips/mouth swell up to the point there was no eating or drinking anything. <Insert post Christmas hospital visit here>

Did I mention I had the privilege of hiding a jug in my grandma's shower on Christmas day so I could do a 24 hour urine sample in the midst of all this? No? Well...I did.

Apparently fever blisters are viral. And while most people just have it affect a place or two on their lips, when your body doesn't know what to do with it and you are wore down from growing a  9 1/2 month baby girl, it has the ability to wreak havoc on your entire system. After a few hours back in labor and delivery to watch the blood pressure and to monitor the karate chopping baby girl again (did I forget to say I officially have the diagnosis of gestational hypertension?) I got to come home sporting a little white bag of multiple types of lidocaine (one for swishing in my mouth to numb everything enough to eat and one for applying to my lips which is why I'm slurping on the couch) as well as the most wonderful bottle of antibiotics that I take five (count 'em) five times per day to try to get this crazy swelling/infection under control quickly.

For the first time in weeks, Mike heard me ask our daughter to stay in there a little bit longer.

To grow her, feed her and give your life to her for 38 straight weeks only to get a crazy infection that would cause you to have to deliver her wearing a mask and allow anyone else to kiss her sweet face before you, nearly causes crying fits of hyperventilating.

Needless to say: sweats, my grandma's potato soup, HGTV, cat naps and this comfy quilt are my very best friend and companions until some major healing occurs. For sure until I can last longer than 2-3 hours without a splitting headache, a dose of slurp inducing lidocaine for pain and my lips no longer resemble that of a fish. Nope, there is nothing more important than resting and getting well at this point.

All that and somehow Christmas magic still occurred. I think Parker's daddy (even though he had to deal with me) had an insanely awesome Christmas filled with guns, hunting, hunting gear and various camo accessories. I received more incredible things than I could name and perhaps the best Christmas magic filled gift of all was realizing my crazy little sister has already become Aunt Kristy (she spoiled Parker Grace rotten on Christmas morning) and my parents can NOT help but talk about watching their grand baby cyclone through Christmas morning next year.

Next year. Parker will be almost one. My oh my how quickly things change.

I used to be afraid of change. Moving. Growing. Adding to or taking away from an event. But that has changed. Now...with the addition of this Parker sized belly, the thought of change to my little family or within my little world seems...OK. Right even.

80's, Contractions, Christmas and Mexican Food

December is upon us. Puh-raise the good Lord. That means...sunshine and rainbows CHRISTMAS STYLE...and more importantly...it's almost baby time.

Little girl has been giving me fits for 8 weeks and it's almost time to give her the go ahead. Believe it or not, it's like we have a connection. At 27 weeks (during our first L&D trip) we had a come-to-Jesus meeting about how she HAD to STAY in THERE until after Thanksgiving. Well, whaddya know? On Thanksgiving the little stinker held me to my word and send us to the hospital shortly after finishing my lemon pie. 

Obviously well connected with 2 phones and a bottle of water on TOP of the IV!

We appeased her for one week before we were back with our favorite nurse getting all juiced up on IV's and shots only this time I'd started dilating. That was new. 

After the crazy shot (it seriously makes me feel like my insides are jumping) contractions slowed and they allowed us to go back home.

Because of the craziness of yesterday, we had to cancel our 80's Christmas party and be happy just to see our friends at one of our favorite restaurants tonight.

 

Some of them still dressed up...which totally made my night. (I have next to NOTHING in my closet that will go over this Parker baby belly so Mike and I just dressed "casual"). :)

The totally gnarly Mr. and Mrs. Clark

Others came as their normal every day fabulous selves which was just fine with me. I was just happy for the few hours of normality sitting at dinner with such an amazing assortment of friends brought.

Mitch and B

There are so many people I didn't get pictures of; my little sister and Sharry (who I think I totally freak out with preggo talk and huge belly). Parker's going to love them...even if it takes them a little while to warm up to her (I don't think they're really "baby" people). Brett and Sarah also bolted before I managed to snag a pic of them but their convos throughout the night (plus the one between my hubs and Brett) were quite entertaining.

Yeah...it's easy to feel alone. And kinda overwhelmed and a whole lot scared about having this little Parker. Especially when I realize it could be any day (did I mention contractions started up again right before we left for the restaurant??). But we have been blessed to the point our margarita glasses run over. I'm not sure how we got so fortunate. It's like Mikey and I took the best of both our worlds, meshed them together and created a new combination that works for our growing little family. I guess that starts happening after a few years of being together.

Like magic.

I'm going to try to write more often...it makes me feel good. Happy. Especially when I see all the faces that bring smiles to this world of mine as they show up perfectly in the story I'm trying to share.

12/12/12 would be a fun Parker birthday. But then again, I'm have no doubt that whatever day (or night) her squishy little face brightens our world will be shinier than any other we've ever had...whatever the date may be. 

34 1/2 weeks

Months of Madness

Confession time...

While I can proudly say I treaded water for the first 6 months or so of baby growing...I have progressively sank over the past few months. I think it all started the night we went to labor and delivery at 27 weeks. Figuring out that the random sucky PMS-like pain I had been having was actually contractions was scary. Claiming I held it together beautifully is a lie. I did manage to grit my teeth and look confident as they put me in a wheelchair and took me from the exam room through the hospital to the elevator and up to labor and delivery. I think I can say my voice only cracked a little when I called my Mom to tell her where I was headed and to please come quickly before I fell apart. She's such a "unspastic" person it's hard to completely break down with her nearby to ask questions.



Grandma Pat, Me, Parker bump and Mom



So...while I can't claim to have handled the unexpectedness beautifully I can say between Mike and his youtube watching, my Mother and her comments, Parker Baby's never-ending monitor karate kicking and a nurse who managed to completely miss when putting in the IV, we made it through. One full IV bag of fluids and a shot to stop the contractions over the course of about 4 hours, and we were finally back on our way home with Parker still happily growing and kicking inside.

   We've had two ginormous showers to get ready for this little girl. First, one at school given by my amazing co-workers. They managed to supply us with such an exuberant (wow what a word) amount of baby items that our house was, without a doubt baby friendly.

A week ago (November 17) we had another shower. The whole day was filled with friends and family. It all started with my cousins stopping by on the their way to the OSU game at 9, then my Big (Jill!!) swinging by around 9:30 followed closely by my little sister and the most precious cake/decorations ever...the event was beautiful.

Our sweet little DZ hippo baby was celebrated to the fullest extent. The amount of generosity and overall excitement in the room was contagious. When I figured out at the end of the day that my Big, Sibling and her two littles had all been in the same room on the same day for the same event...not to mention my Mom, Mike's Mom as well as a plethora (another fun word) of grandmas, aunts, cousins and friends; I was reminded again just how special my daughter is and how much a baby can bring people together.

 

Talara's diaper cake and turtle topper for Parker baby



We were truly blessed by all the hard work that went in to the day. Parker's Grandmas and Aunt worked tirelessly to give her an amazing party.



It was like Christmas morning after the shower!! Took us an entire day to put everything away!





Thanks Jess for the swaddler practice animal! :)

We wasted no time playing with the new baby things. Parker's pack 'n play went into our bedroom on DADDY'S side. :) And we practiced using our new swaddlers on a bunny rabbit that evoked a very excited "Awwww" from Mr. Maverick when opened.

 

Pack 'n Play & Moses basket (or "Jesus basket" as Mike calls it)



  Believe it or not after cleaning up that crazy tornado from the shower, Christmas arrived at the Curtsinger home. Mikey put up the tree and then we decorated it together.

Cowboy hat and boa feathers

Within a week we had a tree worthy of Christmas magic, twinkle lights beaming in the darkness, a mantle that for now holds two stockings but is more than ready to add a third and holiday balls complete with fake presents and red sparkley beads.



Parker baby and I can't help but enjoy the view. From where we're sitting (in shorts no less) life might be exhausting, a bit overwhelming and insanely emotional...but overall it looks pretty beautiful. I'm not sure which magic and excitement is stronger right now...the type that arrives when Christmas is only one month away or the kind that makes itself known with every gift, every kick and every hiccup that seems to come in its own shade of pink.

I think, it's possible the Christmas magic and baby magic are strengthened by the presence of each other.

Slowly but Surely

Life is still a bit overwhelming, but I'm slowing getting the hang of it. LOL, by "getting the hang of it", I mean I gawk in the mirror on a regular basis at the growing melon in my midsection and the overall tightness of nearly every dress or shirt I own (I've already banished all "regular" jeans to the back of my closet until they can behave in such a way as to not laugh when I ponder the thought of putting them on).

I guess getting the hang of school comes with higher than usual blood pressure. Not sky high, or run to the doctor worthy...but enough to make me chug water and pay extra attention to Parker Baby on those days to make sure she doesn't take a vaca from kicking the be-jesus out of my bladder. Needless to say she hasn't. Her nearly 2 lbs body is quite the expert at hanging out below the belt these days.

She's 25 weeks grown today. Capillaries appearing, fat filling, air sac growing lungs all are on overload in her mini-me body. Sounds like her tiny little image is changing about as quick as mine. The thought of a full head of white hair cracks me up (we could see hair in her ultrasound at 18 weeks, but there's still no pigment! Can we say Baby Einstein??).

Running Club is well underway at school for 3rd, 4th and 5th grade kiddos. I am in love with the program. The image of 60-70 students, staying after school to get in shape, run and really just MOVE is pretty glorious. Plus it gives me someone to jog, walk and talk with!! I overheard a group of my 3rd graders talking yesterday.
The convo went something like this, "I can't wait til Thursday. That's Running Club day."
"I love Running Club!"
"Me, too. Hope it's not hot or doesn't rain this time!"
The Running Club weather gods have not smiled on us thus far. Day 1 was huge rain storm day. Day 2 was 90+ degree weather day. I'm hoping Day 3 will be cool and windy, exercise your buns off day. For me it won't really be the buns I'm working to exercise off, it'll be the gummy worms and orange Fanta pop. That's my once...or twice... a week splurge. Sister craves SUGAR.

Ok, gotta feed the melon and think about heading to school. I guess there's one good thing about waking up at 4am on a regular basis. Time to write. Time to breath. Time to just laugh like a weirdo at this crazy life that comes with spending all day with 26 eight year olds, and all evening with a kick-like-a-mule baby belly and gun obsessed hubs. (Mikey got his concealed weapon license. <Insert cave man grunt> "He feels the need to protect his family."

I'm sure Mr. Man also feels the need for man time in the midst of all this baby/belly time.

Happy Wednesday!

Life Goes On

School is kicking my butt. Hell who am I kidding? Life is kicking my butt. But...I'm focusing...and I'm wading through it and with cooler weather is coming rejuvenation. Right now I'm doing my best to find a bit of zen and not take my overwhelming exhaustion and overall feeling of crumminess out on my husband and anyone else I come in contact with. I think being able to go out for a run/walk will help (now that it's not 100+ degrees!!).

We've had SO many things going on. Getting back into school. Working on baby girl's nursery. Dr's appointments. And believe it or not, the Democratic National Convention and the Republican National Convention ruled our lives for six long days. Because of those conventions, I crawled in bed alone quite a few nights. My husband was enthralled and couldn't wait to watch, cheer and curse at the TV. :) Parker and I other hand, watched when it was interesting but found our bed to be a much better place to spend our time.

I know one thing...I can not wait for the election to be over. It must've been my grandparents who taught me religion and politics should be discussed lightly and rarely.

The teachers at school have already begun to spoil Miss Parker. I can NOT wait to see her little tootsies in these. :)

Gina...I'm sure we'll take you up on your offer to babysit more times than you'd like!

I got to hang out with Mr. Maverick for a bit on Labor Day. That kid is a MESS. He annihilated a potato. Turned the water on in the sink. Had my grandma chasing him all over the house. Argued with my grandpa about shutting the door and more or less reeked havoc on everyone in sight.

He's pretty much awesome.

 Parker's nursery is coming along beautifully. Her crib is together...and for the most part it's decorated.

Thanks to our parents and grandparents she is pretty well set!! The pile of quilts/baby blankets have all come from family. I'm excited she'll be born in winter so we'll be able to bundle her up!!

 

We had a check up last week. She is growing like a weed (and so am I). She weighed a little over a pound and my book says she's the size of a papaya!

I have to say...even in fuzzy black and white, her ultrasound pics were amazing. Apparently she's found her hands...because we caught her sucking on her fingers/thumb. Pretty freaking incredible.

Even though there's an overall sense of being tired, cranky and just feeling a bit frumpy...all is well in the world and come late December/early January the crazy little bug that is currently reeking havoc on my rib cage will make her presence known. :)

Through the wreckage

I had a carwreck today. While driving to school on a road I never take, at a time I'm never ready (who leaves their house more than an hour before work??) a high school kid decided to go for it and try to make his turn before I reached the intersection.

He didn't make it.

Luckily...thankfully...I wasn't distracted. My phone was in my hand, but I was not texting or talking...I was just driving. Watching. Thinking, "Is he really gonna go?" and then realizing-- he did...and locking up my brakes. Praise God for 40 mile/hr roads, a husband who changed my brakes within the past month and not hitting that car hard enough to cause the airbags to deploy on this 5 month pregnant girl.

I started off this day excited. Today is Tuesday...and tomorrow I get to count this baby girl another week grown. Sounds incredibly silly probably, but reading about how she's changed and grown in just one week makes me feel like I know her a little better and imagine what her sweet little face will look like.

My thoughts have flashed to the "what could've happened" a few times today, but I know thinking that way won't help. What happened is: I was reminded to go the speed limit, pay attention, wear my seatbelt and be thankful. Thankful for this little Bump growing, with all the itchy skin, sleepless nights and uncontrollably achy back. Be thankful my husband will come wherever I am if I need him and he'll figure out how to make it better. Be thankful I have an Uncle who is an OHP and he nearly always answers his phone when I call.

Mostly, I am thankful, I'm/we're totally fine. Baby girl has moved a bit today and I plan to spend my evening with my hands on this tummy taking in her every kick. I plan to wake up early and read about her and try to cherish all her kicks and wiggles.

My car on the other hand...has some bumps, cracks and bruises but will be fixed...

But the unfixable, irreplaceable...are ok. And that's really all that matters.

Happy moments:
While it feels like a train wreck right now...I have some of the sweetest craziest students I think I've ever had. 16 boys and 10 girls feels like a circus sometimes...but soon enough they'll be MY circus and I will wonder what I ever did without them.

After a bit of a rough start, Baby Clay came home today!! After visiting the NICU to see him and his parents yesterday and actually witnessing the nurse take off his oxygen...he was strong enough and big enough to handle the two big sisters he had waiting on him at home. I know the Taylors are saying their own prayers of "thanks" tonight.

I ran across this a few days ago and it seems like kind of a fitting to end this post...

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "Thank you?" ~William A. Ward

After today, I'm gonna try to use my seconds better tomorrow.

New Month, New Baby, New School Year

This is a brand new month (in preggo world)...our baby girl is 20 weeks grown...we are HALF way THERE!! For anyone we've missed lately, this baby cantaloupe (that's her size at 20 weeks and I'm just not sure the term "bump" is sufficient any longer) is growing!! :)

The crib came in today and I've been working on all the craft projects for the nursery. One of the big ones is finishing up these birdies. They'll be strung on twine across the ceiling in the corner of her bedroom. They are only half finished but I couldn't wait to share.

It's been an exciting/exhausting week. My cousin had her baby and while I haven't had the pleasure of meeting him in person yet, if he's anything like her other two kiddos, he's precious. The idea that he will grow up with my little girl is amazing to me. My sister and I grew up with my three cousins. The five of us were inseperable. My hope is Maverick (who will be about a year and a half old when she's born), Clay (who will be 4 months older) and baby girl will be the best of buds. I'm not sure who will be ornerier...those two boys or this (probably red headed) little girl. Lord knows when they get together, they'll be a mess.

With all the baby fuss, even back in July I couldn't forget Mikey's birthday was on the way. Sure hope he loves what I got him...

We start school tomorrow. I met all my little 3rd grade darlins last night. Let me tell you, I have some precious families in my room. I have a feeling with all that's going on, this is going to be a very special group. A friend on facebook posted this prayer earlier in the week...and tonight...about 12 hours before the 27 of us come together to start meshing as a family...this prayer is on my heart.

Tomorrow starts a brand new chapter for a whole lot of kids. I can't help but think about them a little differently. They are somebody's baby...and it's gotta be hard, no matter the age, to trust that a perfect stranger will treat your baby in a kind, considerate way.

Maybe that should be the way I treat these kids, the way I would want someone to treat Miss Parker someday.

Ok...gotta get some rest. Growing a baby and teaching school is gonna be a whole new ballgame for me. :)

Rainbows!

Sometimes...rainbows just appear. Like tonight after the much needed rain came through...there was this beautiful, ginormous rainbow in the sky. It was insane. Pretty sure it caused a few wrecks from people trying to get a good view. I can't really blame them. It was so unbelievable I had to tell this baby girl about it (every dang book says you are supposed to talk to her...makes me feel like a weirdo...but that's probably the first step to motherhood. Well...that, throwing up, and crying.) It was worth it though cause soon after our "talk" she starting KICKING. 

That's our new thing...starting yesterday morning...the day I began saying proudly, "I'm 19 weeks pregnant" she started kicking. I can't lie, when she does it, my whole world stops & I just have to feel her. It's incredible (& kind of like a little alien poking me in the belly), but mostly incredible because it's HER. She's now made her presence known on the outside. She's becoming so very real. There are moments where I'm not sure I can wait another second to see her, & then there are others where I'm scared shitless & I pray she stays in there til I figure some things out. All the time though, I'm thankful for her & and I'm trying to become the person I want to be for her. I want to be better for her. 

Even with all the rainbows...I'm a little low. I really really want to build a life that she deserves. I want it to be filled with trust and hope and sunshine and of course rainbows. And a little magic. And a whole lot of love. But if there were some sort of meter to show where I started, where I am now & how far I have to go...I think the distance to the end would be a bit overwhelming. 

With all the space she takes up now, there are still a few holes in my life. I'm believing God will send just the right people to fill the voids in a way I can't even imagine. He's done it before...& I choose to believe he'll do it again. For the people out there who have opened the door & have given me a chance lately, whether I've said it or not, I'm truly appreciative. If our paths havent crossed yet I'll tell ya, there are a lot of sunshiney, rainbowy moments around here these days (one of them is kicking the ipad right now lol), I'd love to share them with you. :)

A new shotgun & dirt bike

We're having a GIRL!

It was the most amazing moment...not when the lady read the sonogram, but when I looked at Mike's face after hearing those words and saw nothing but a brilliant display of excitement.

That guy...is gonna be a good daddy to this little girl.

He talks to her. Asks how she is doing. Comes running at the first hint that he might could feel her kick. He's getting advice from Dads he admires on discipline. Every single day I get a glimpse of the Dad he's becoming...& it's pretty incredible.

He has also talked with his buddies about getting a shotgun for the first time she brings a boy home as well as discussed what type of pink dirt bike she'll have.

Oh...she's already loved. Let me tell you.

Thanks to a few key people & the loss of a very dear friend, I foresee some changes happening in our world as we prepare to be the kind of parents who raise a kid we can be proud of. We wouldn't mind if she was a little proud of us in return. :-)

In the meantime...we're just admiring the new photos of her face on our fridge, decoupaging & painting everything in sight, eating lots of ice cream & buying her everything ruffled or "cool" we can get our hands on.

Changed for Good

Sometimes someone comes into our lives and turns it upside down. There's no rhyme or reason why they are in our realm of influence, or why they take an interest in us; but for whatever reason, they do. As our lives plummet from the direction in which they were headed and organize themselves in the completely new location this mysterious person has shaken them into, the whole cosmic occurance starts to make sense.
My life has been turned upside down a few times in 30 years. Sometimes for good, others not so good. But at the age of 18 I met someone who snatched me out of confusion and planted my feet in love and security. She was a force of nature. I swear sometimes I thought she had the whole dang world spinning like a basketball on her finger; and let me tell you, that was some finger she had. She had so many people wrapped around it I was surprised at times such a tiny limb could support the responsibility. But when someone loves you as wholeheartedly as Sheila did, you kind of wanted to be wrapped up close to her.
I know for a fact her life forever altered the fate of two teenagers. One of those, was me. After high school I couldn't have been more confused about who I was, who I wanted to be or where my life was headed. There were a lot of directions it could've taken, but a season came where my life crossed with Sheila's and my path couldn't have been more obvious. During my time with her, I learned what it meant to give selflessly. To love wholeheartedly just because. I realized that there is ALWAYS enough time for others.
After a couple of years, my walk became sturdy enough to go out on my own again; start college and eventually get a teaching job about an hour from home. Even though I grew, I never outgrew Sheila. When I would see her, usually at camp or church...she still has the same "you hung the moon" look in her eye when she talked to me. I couldn't help but feel loved and important when I was in her presence. My life mattered to her...I don't think I ever questioned that. When I met Mike, even though I had moved away 5 years before, I went home to tell her about him. I still needed her to be a part of my life. We spent hours that night talking at my car, reliving old stories and just reaffirming how strong our bond was. That was the last big "Manda and Sheila talk" we ever had.

Sheila was selfless. She was beautiful. She raised 5 (including Brittany) kids and loved each one wholeheartedly. She was her husband's rock. She was the person her friends and family could turn to whether in happiness or heartbreak. A year ago Sheila found out she had cancer...and a little more than 24 hours ago, she was promoted from organizing and rocking Earth, to singing in the choir and organizing Angels in heaven.
It's been a while since I've spent time with Sheila. But I have spent the past day reliving moments, hearing her voice, rereading her texts and finally realizing just how big of an impact she made on this world...and on me.
My heart goes out to her family...to her children...to her friends...and to Dwayne, who I think loved her most of all.
These lyrics, from a musical (Wicked) have been playing in my head for the past 24 hrs. What makes them even more special is I found out today she loved this production about as much as I did.

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you:

 

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

 

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend:

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you:

I have been changed for good.

 

Without a doubt I have been changed for good.

I Want to be Better

I look around sometimes and think, "I want to be better." Usually following that thought is the mental image or name of someone who fits into that particular situation & fills the role of "better." While that happens in a variety of moments...it's happening quite frequently when I think of friendship. Having friends is an irreplaceable achievement. It really says something. It's not something you can buy...or demand...it's a gift that truly comes from a person's heart. Friendship can't be faked. At least not for long. The love of a friend comes out in the way they walk across the room & give you a hug just because. It shows up in late night conversations when sleep is logical but the sweet feeling of being with a friend outweighs logic. It comes through in the way they love not just you, but your kids. Any Mom (or soon to be Mom) knows that a person's child is part of their core; their very soul. When a friend or family's love for that child is unquestionable...it changes who they are to you & how that piece of your soul attaches to them. I have it in me to be a really good friend but when I look around now, the thought, "I wanna be better" pops up. I know I used to be better because I had friends. I had really good ones. Ones who have walked through fire, who've stretched themselves to the point of exhaustion to be there for me. That tells me, at one time, I was really good to them. But it's hard to invest in someone when there's very little return. Over the past few years, I feel I've slowly dropped the ball on a lot of friendships; a bit of knowledge which on a quiet rainy beach day like today, invades my thoughts & breaks my heart just a little. I've been soul searching & I'm realizing I've become quite insecure over the past couple of years. Big changes are hard for me...& in the past 2 1/2 years my whole life has changed. With those changes...getting married...becoming pregnant...brought out quite a few weak spots that I had done a great job of burying or falsely supporting with other stronger character traits. While battling with these insecurities & working to build the two most important relationships I'll ever have (with my husband & this bump), I think I've hid behind my anxieties & dropped the ball in other overwhelmingly precious relationship areas. While a bit of soul searching revealed the insecurity issue, it's not as easily fixed. Unfortunately supporting my insecurities is an overwhelming bit of anxiety at the thought of fixing it & figuring out how to mesh the world I live in now with the world in which all of my super close friendships existed. That is where my dilemma lies. The reason I can not close the book & live half-heartedly in this insecure life is now only 24 weeks from arriving. When he/she comes I want there to be an entourage to welcome him into the world. I want her to feel love & security from the moment it first lays eyes on the village which will support him. I have had moments in which I've felt so incredibly fragile & nearly every time it was a friend who was there to help piece me back together. I want my child to have a great cloud of support in which every fragile moment is strengthened from someone who chooses to be in their life. To be a friend takes effort. It takes a "just because" text...even when it's not reciprocated. It takes stepping out even when the insecurities leave you feeling fragile. It takes stretching just a little further, because someone you love needs that little bit. It means calling or sending a card to say, "Hi. Sorry I have sucked lately. I hope you can forgive me & help me remember how to be the awesome person you used to love."

Run With It

We've had such a busy week. I don't know what we've done exactly...clean out the garage, wade through the spare bedroom's unpacked boxes, hang out with friends. All I know is, today's Thursday and I have yet to have spent one day fully at home. But...when it's filled with things and people I love, how can I really complain?? We are officially 25 weeks away from the Bump's arrival. I'm actually hoping it comes a "healthy early"...but if it is as stubborn as either of its parents, he/she will come whenever it darn well pleases. I've already began to try to figure out the mysteries of being away from my 25 Third graders for 40+ days while I welcome our little bug into the the world. Apparently it's a good thing I've started now. Day by day teaching/damage control instructions take a little time to create.

Our doctor's appointment Monday proved to be informative. Her heart rate was 156bpm and he's definitely growing. The doctor says any day I'll feel our baby move. Of course now, at any given moment you can find me sitting perfectly still with my hand on my belly just waiting. Mikey's pretty excited too. More than once he's slid his hand over the Bump to see if he might feel something. Needless to say, as excited as we are for even a movement...our gender ultrasound & our due date can't get here fast enough.

I met with a few friends/former co-workers Tuesday for brunch. Being able to eat the better part of a cinnamon roll that was the size of my head WITHOUT guilt...makes me want to give the Bump a high five! I'm still kicking myself for not taking a picture of it in all it's glory. It was d-e-lish! The only thing that competed with the cinnamon roll's attention was the company. Oh how I miss those girls! The catching up, the (harmless) gossip & just overall time spent together was refreshing. Makes me wish we could do it more often.



A Bump gift from Auntie Laura, our favorite librarian!

While the weight gain part of pregnancy hasn't really hit me, I find myself craving a nap around 3:30 every afternoon. Now this isn't an, "Aww I'm kind of sleepy. <yawn, yawn>" This is an all out, hurry home, my battery is slowly dying & my eyes are on auto shut down, attack. I'm fortunate right now to be able to drop everything and snooze on the couch for about 45 minutes. I'm not real sure how that will work in another month when we're back in school. Maybe the bus duty kids won't notice? :)

A shout out to two of my favorite people: Leah & Cassidy. They celebrated their birthdays on Wednesday & were gracious enough to allow me to host a celebration in their honor. It was such a sweet feeling having a little dinner birthday party in our kitchen. What was even sweeter were the conversations that followed and surrounded dinner. I find myself drawn to people with kids right now. Especially with young kids. One friend has such an incredible "How I Became a Mommy" story I just needed her to share it with me before she left. Listening to baby experiences makes me feel stronger. Better equipped. More prepared. Especially when I've asked (just FYI it's kinda annoying to push advice on people when they don't ask...trust me, if they want to know, they'll ask).

In addition to the after party conversation, I've had two lunch dates that have turned in to "brain picking moments". My inquiries seem to be of people with extraordinary circumstances, who I've come to admire, or who just live their life in such a way that you want to know their secret. And let me tell you, share their secrets they will. I sure hope I get better at this preggo thing over the next 25 weeks so maybe I can become someone with a "Cup Overflowing" kind of joy. I'm getting there. My eyes are definitely wider than they were 15 weeks ago.

Ok...the hubs just walked in and it's our 9 month wedding anniversary so we're off to celebrate!! My oh my how things can change in such a short amount of time. From dating, to engaged, to married to expectant parents. Why walk when you can RUN I guess?!

Ocho Rios, Jamaica October 19, 2011

Get Your Craft On...

I have nursery fever. With the gender ultrasound less than a month away I am chomping at the bit to get started. I think I'm just anxious to dive into something that won't make me throw up or cause me to look like a junkie from the IVs of liquid. I'm ready to wear a mask and paint. It'll be an act of God if I don't drag the hubs in there this weekend to help me tape the lines for the stripes (yes, I'm jumping on the bandwagon and painting one wall with stripes...just be thankful I'm avoiding pink or blue.) I'm TRYING to wait for my good friend Annie to get her booty over here and help me accidentally spill green paint on the carpet (the nursery carpet doesn't match and I'm secretly praying we'll somehow afford new before the little Bump arrives) as we give the room a crafty face lift...but she's busy and I'm impatient so we'll see.

The Craft Show is in Town!! The Craft Show is in Town!!

I swear Arts and Craft shows are like carnivals for grown chicks. My sister and I went to An Affair of the Heart this weekend. While the gajillions of people were a bit overwhelming and walking in flat, no sole shoes on a concrete floor was a hip killer, we did come away with lots of fun ideas and a few treasures. 

I am super excited I've already put in a request with my Mother to attend another show later this Fall (Lord help our credit card once I actually know what this kid IS!). I've gotta be the lamest 30 year old on Earth. It took all I had not to buy headbands "just in case". Luckily my sister maintained a level head reminding me I could buy it ALLLLLL later. 

I've been working on decoupaging the alphabet for the wall. I don't know which is more fun...picking out the paper, gluing numerous bits and pieces to myself (and to other pieces of paper, my leg and the carpet), or imagining what it will look like once it's all put together. I do that quite often lately. Imagine. I think that's what got me started with the Bump Blankie. My grandma makes quilts for each and every baby born in our family. Those blankets are like a bit of Grandma sunshine sitting in my living room...I want my little bug to have that too...only Mama style. Hence: the bump blankie.

A glimpse of the bump blankie

 

Alright...my tummy has had me up since 5am. We. Are. Starving. and this is waiting for me...

Happy Sunday!

Reminders

Little reminders help me to be appreciative. My Sister is crazy-busy, like works 10-12 hour days 5 days a week, travels at least an hour to her job and is going through more personal things than I could even begin to describe...but Saturday when the cramping and back pain wouldn't stop, it was she who sat in the ER with me for four hours throughout blood work, peeing in a cup, and IV's. Hers were the eyes I looked into while they searched, for what felt like an eternity, for the baby's heartbeat. She made me laugh, cracked jokes, called the nurse when my fingers turned blue from cold and kept the info line open from our tiny room at the hospital. It was my little sister who sighed in unison with me when the heartbeat was found and the nurse counted out the heart rate (168 strong beats her minute). Ours may not be the most typical sister relationship, but her whole life I would've done anything to protect her and over the past few months I've come to believe she would do the same for me. I can only imagine the kind of Aunt she'll be for the Bump. I'm sure she'll teach it all kinds of obnoxious things and get him/her in trouble more than once and because of that, I'm sure he'll love her an immeasurable amount.

On a side note: dehydration's a bitch (sorry if that's offensive). Our 4th of July float trip left my body begging for more fluid than I was prepared to replenish. Before Saturday I was unaware that being dehydrated can cause "contraction-like" symptoms to start (i.e. back pain and lower stomach cramping)...now I know...and now our refrigerator is fully stocked with every flavor of PowerAde Zero we can find. (For all of you who are learning something: while water's fantastic, it will NOT be enough to keep you hydrated. You need electrolytes, baby. So if you're preggo in the Summertime, STOCK UP.)

I ran into a friend Sunday whom I hadn't seen in a while. In all the time I've known her she has never been anything but incredibly sweet and encouraging. Because of her I feel like the best runner, best teacher and even a great friend (though it seems our conversations include me rambling/ranting and her either 1) laughing hysterically or 2) agreeing unconditionally). Good, bad or ugly I can sincerely say, the fact that I had her daughter in my very first 3rd grade class was one of the biggest blessings that's ever happened to me. Her family felt like mine for a while when I was lonely, her daughter brightened my day as I waded through the muck of teaching and because of her and her husband I had the life-changing chance to go to Guatemala on a week long mission trip. The sights and sounds of that trip are still very real in my mind and to this day I read my journal and remember the faces of the people we met. After seeing my friend on Sunday, I received a single text message that once again made me stand a little taller and walk a little more sure-footed. It went something like this:

"...Since we returned from Guatemala I have been praying over this picture. Our talks...were so priceless to me and I have wanted you to become a Mommy so badly. My dear sweet friend I love you and I'm still praying for you and your little family."

Our trip was in 2008...she's been praying for me ever since. Being a Mom is one of the most precious things she has, and she's prayed for four years that I too become one. She believes in me. I am reminded once again to be appreciative of who has been placed in my life and all I've been blessed with.

Not to keep jumping around but while Saturday was incredibly scary in moments...there was a solid hour where I was nothing but ecstatic to watch an insanely perfect little boy celebrate becoming ONE!!

 

His Mama is SO lucky.